Well Its 11pm and I am done in!!
Today has been one of them hard, crazy days were motherhood is a big pile of steaming dog shit!!
I'm not going to sit here and write about how perfect my life is and how amazing been a mother is 24/7 because the truth is its not! yes it is amazing and yes it is the best thing I have ever felt and done.......but its not like that all the time!
Today has been one of those days....I cant split myself in half and grow an extra pair of arms so it was a day of self destruction.... my never ending day of feeling like a failure.
First feeling of failure came as little A has been poorly Nothing soothes her, no amount of cuddles, nappy changes, kisses, play, or rhymes helps, what else can I do?? her screams are getting louder her body hotter and her little cry turns into a sob.
One hour later I pace the room with her in her pram and a warm milk and she drifts off, RESULT!!
failure -1 mummy-1 in your face bitch!!
J wants me to paint so I explain how poorly A is and that I cant put her down without screaming so i let him watch a dvd instead.....cue the enormous amount of guilt that I cant do something so simple as paint with him, and feeling terrible that I have had to stick him in front of the television to keep him entertained! yes people sometimes we just have to do it!
I pray it doesn't melt his little brain or turn is eyes square in the half an hour he's sat in-front of it!
Little A's temperature climbs to 41 so I take her to our docs, he looks her over and rings an ambulance!! in all my 30 years I have never been in an ambulance now my littlest dinky dot is laid in one with wires all over her tiny body....There's nothing I can do but cry for her....will she be ok? what's happening? why are the machines beeping? why isn't the ambulance going faster!?
Failure-3 mummy-1 This ball bag is kicking my arse today!
Turns out little A has a nasty case of tonsillitis and needs strong antibiotics but she's well enough to go home! yes you all know what's coming next.......getting her to take the medicine!! tantrum.....spitting it out...........ramming her mouth shut so tight that even a crowbar wouldn't be able to prise it open!! All whilst screaming in pain, if only she understood that just by taking the tiny about of medicine it would result in making her feel better!!
Failure-4 mummy -1
Big J comes home sobbing that he wasn't able to come in the ambulance with us and how I just left him!(by the way I didn't leave him at home alone with a bowl of water and a few treats!) he hugs his little sister and cries that he doesn't want her to die!........yes he's going through that stage at the moment! He has a mini meltdown when it comes to bedtime as today has taken its toll on him too, but nothing a kiss and a story couldn't fix! Little A however is feeling like crap and has a good 2 hour screaming session and finally drifts of at 10.30!!
I hope I don't have to ever see either of my babies again the way I saw little A today.
So that brings the final result to Failure-5 crappy mummy-1
Now Iv not written this blog to feel sorry for myself its the reality of motherhood and sometimes it really beats the shit out of you and I feel better writing it down and getting it out of my system, I'm sat here after the day from hell and all I want to do is sit and cry, the bastard has emotionally wiped the floor with me!!
But it wont win tomorrow is another day and I'm sure it will be better then today and it will be me kicking "its" arse!!
So failure......................here's a big f'@#k you!!
Thanks for reading......